A frantic figure runs onstage. They're after me! They're after me! Who's after you? The squirrels - they think I'm nuts!
A dejected figure approaches his friend.
- It just doesn't work! It just doesn't work!
- What doesn't work?
- A dead horse!
A desperate fellow runs onstage.
- It's all around me! It's all around me!
- What's all around you?
- My belt!
Man crawls onstage, cries: "Water, water!" Second fellow comes running with a glass of water. First man thanks him, takes the glass, pulls out a comb and uses the water to comb his hair.
Boy enters, dragging a rope across the stage.
- Why are you dragging that rope?
- Have you ever tried pushing
Boy enters, pushing a rope that has been secured to a stick or wire.
- What on earth are you doing?
- Why, pushing the rope, of course!
Man points to sky. Is that the sun or the moon up there? I dunno, I'm a stranger here too.
Man standing at center stage. The other day a girl rolled her eyes at me. Really? What'd you do? Well, I picked them up and rolled them right back!
Man standing in audience. (Singing) Soap . . . Soap . . . Soap! What're you doing? Oh, just singing a few bars!
Man picks up ringing telephone. You don't say . . . you don't say . . . you don't say! Who was that? I dunno. He didn't say.
Fortuneteller: That'll be $20 for two questions. Client: Isn't that a lot of money for two questions? Yes, it is. Now what is your second question?
Man standing at center stage. I've been seeing spots before my eyes. Have you seen a doctor? No, just spots.
We interrupt this program for a hot news flash! (Second person runs onstage, lights a match, then ex its.)
Announcer: We interrupt this program for a spot announcement. Dog (offstage): Arf! Arf! Arf! Announcer: Thank you, Spot.
Man standing at center stage. What's your occupation? I used to be an organist. Why'd you quit? The monkey died!
Man walks onstage, faces audience, and in a dignified voice says: "Poem, by Henry Gibson. 'Ecology'. I shot an arrow into the air . . . it stuck!"
Man standing at center stage. It's an udder disaster! An udder disaster! What's an udder disaster? The cow's gone dry!
Man has just been beaten up, and is sitting on the ground rubbing his jaw. Can you describe the man who hit you? Are you kidding? That's what I was doing when he hit me!
Man standing at center stage. What have you got in that bag? Milk. You can't carry milk in a bag! Why not? Cows do!
We interrupt this program to bring you a message from the branch office! (Assistant enters with a branch.)
Two men enter, find some tracks on the ground, and argue over whether they are bear tracks or raccoon tracks. The argument gets heated, and is ended when both are run over by a train (several boys moving in a chain, the first one holding a flashlight to simulate a train's headlight, making train-like noises).
Man enters, carrying a case. "I'm taking my case to court!" Enters again, carrying a ladder. "I'm taking my case to a higher court!" A stranger runs through, carrying a coat or suit of clothes on a hanger. First man enters, saying, "I?ve lost my suit!" At next entry, he is peeling a banana or orange. "I'm appealing my case!" he announces.
Two silent figures run across the stage, one chasing the other with an upraised club. Repeat several times, the figures moving slower each time. Finally the first man stumbles, followed by the second, who crawls forward on his hands and knees, panting, and raises his club to hit the first man, who cowers helplessly. The second man taps the first quickly and lightly with the club, yells "You're it!" and runs off at top speed, followed closely by the first.
Man runs onstage, bends over and makes hoeing motions. What're you doing? Hoeing. What're you hoeing? Corn. Where'd you get the corn? From that last joke!
A cannibal is complaining to his witchdoctor. Doctor, I've got a terrible stomachache! What have you been eating lately? Last night I had a man for dinner. What kind of man did you have? Well, you know -- he was little, fat, bald, and wore a robe with a rope around it. How did you cook him? I boiled him. That's your problem -- he was a friar!
Customer: Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup? Waiter comes to table, looks in bowl, answers: "It's doing the backstroke!"
Joe (offstage): Hey Fred! I'm up in a 10,000 ft. hemlock tree! Fred: But Joe, we don't have any 10,000 ft. hemlock trees in camp! Joe: Are you sure? Fred: Of course I am. Joe: (Shrieks as if falling)--Aieee!
First fellow walks onstage, tossing a small object into the air and catching it. What're you doing? I'm throwing up!
Man standing at center stage. Did you hear how Mother strained herself? No. How did she do it? She ran through a screen door!
Ladies and Gentlemen! I am now going to pull a funny face! (Walk into audience, yank someone's cheek).
Man searches for a lost item under a street lamp (someone holding flashlight aimed at the ground). A stranger enters, asks what he's doing. "I lost my keys." Stranger helps him look for a while, finally asks where the man lost them. "Over there" comes the reply, and the first man points out into the darkness. Then why are you looking over here?" "Because it's too dark to see over there!"
Fellow walks onstage, collapses. Two scouts enter, announce that they know CPR, and commence trying to revive patient. After a minute, one yells switch!" All three actors now change places -- one taking place of victim, one doing mouth-to-mouth, and one doing heart massage.
Announcer walks onstage, tells audience of imminent arrival of a runner who has just run 100 miles. "Here he comes now!" Runner comes into view, almost exhausted, stops by announcer, who pretends to inter view him with the aid of a microphone. "How do you feel, now that you have just finished running 100 miles?" "Water, I need water!" Third fellow comes running at top speed with a bucket, at the last minute he trips and spills contents of bucket into audience (bucket could be filled with leaves or pine needles, etc.).
Several boys walk onstage, hitting rocks together. What are you crazy kids doing? Oh, we're just having a little rock concert!
Angry fellow runs onstage. Hey, Farmer! I thought you said I could drive my truck across your pond! Yup? Well, I did, and it sunk clear out of sight! (Pause) I can't understand it -- it only comes up to here (points to waist) on my ducks!
1st Scout: Enters, spraying from a can. 2nd: What are you doing? 1st: Spraying elephant repellant. 2nd: Why, there aren't any elephants within 10,000 miles of here! 1st: Well, it does a pretty good job, doesn't it?